Mixed feelings

11 Jul

Change takes time, and I know that. But for some reason I keep feeling unsure about being here. 

I mean, I am happy to be here, I am. I feel very lucky to have been selected for the program and know that this really is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I have wanted to come to Nepal for many, many years. 

But this place is so chaotic and it’s nothing new, really. I’ve seen it before, but I’ve been okay with it. But, for some reason, I’m finding the stress and chaos of this city quite stressful and have been noticing myself becoming anxious lately when I should be on top of the world (almost literally, with Everest nearby!). 

I just don’t know what’s wrong. Is it just the adjustment? Is it because I miss Zak so damn much and keep wondering how on earth we’re going to survive this time apart? I’ve been doing everything I can to keep my mind occupied so that I won’t cry but today after coming back from shopping, we had dinner plans with another volunteer I have yet to meet but I fell asleep, when Tara woke me to go for dinner I said to go without me. Maybe I’m just lonely but I am feeling so, so low. 

The organization with which I will be working seems really cool. And I’m afraid I’ll buy way too much as there is a shop next to the office selling the Fair Trade goods. But, that doesn’t start for two weeks and it is the developing world, things will be slower. Period. That’s okay, though. 

So I am definitely excited to be here, I’m just feeling so uneasy. I don’t know why. 

Sigh…

Ayesha 

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2 Responses to “Mixed feelings”

  1. Kara July 11, 2012 at 8:49 pm #

    Totally normal. I remember when I went away to University (which wasnt even that far) feeling this way. I remember doing all the stupid frosh week activities which were supposed to be fun and holding back tears the whole time because I was so homesick. And then it turned out to be such a great thing and I met amazing friends and I wouldnt change it for the world! That is just what happens when you form a base and a comfort zone somewhere. It just takes time. If things are meant to be with your relationship at home then they are meant to be. Just give it time and force yourself to go out and do things.

  2. Hayley Leonard-Paige July 12, 2012 at 12:05 pm #

    You’ve just travelled thousands of miles away from home and made a massive change in your life. At this precise moment, nothing in your life is as it was, so it’s bound to conjour up all sorts of negative emotions and make you feel out of sorts, lost, and confused. Whilst I’ve not been in your position, I can see that such feelings must be completely normal, hon. You need time to adjust, but adjustment will come, and with it, so will feelings of comfort and relaxation, and the anxiety will slowly dissipate.

    Stay strong, sweet. It was bound to be a bit difficult at times. But just get through each day at the moment, and soon enough you’ll find yourself right at home.

    (((Hugs)))

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