It’s been a week since I’ve been here. Within the first week of living in Mauritius, I had established a group of friends, had attended an awesome all-night party on a beach off the main island, gone shopping and figured some things out.
I keep telling myself not to compare my experience here in Nepal to that of Mauritius. It will not be the same. But, at the end of the day I am an imperfect human and have many tendencies that are not only silly, they are sometimes harmful.
Why must I be such an ungrateful person? I am living in NEPAL!! Yes, I am very happy, feel lucky to be here, and seeing the little kids frolicking around makes me feel even more grateful for the life I have. It doesn’t take much in this part of the globe to realize how good you have it. Yet here I am, feeling lonely, almost depressed, wondering how I’ll get through 9 1/3 months here.
Last night I went out for the first time here, and I met two other volunteers who will be here for another year, and some other expats, some locals. Perhaps it’s because I don’t go out very much in Canada and when I do it’s to big places, or perhaps I’m once again thinking I’m in Mauritius where the nightlife was incredible, I don’t know but for some reason I didn’t love it. In fact, I found the place rather lame and didn’t even feel that great amongst fellow Canadians.
It’s not that I don’t like them, I do, in many ways all of us are very, very similar. At times I felt a bit like the black sheep (I have had social anxiety in the past) and at times not. At times I wished I wasn’t there, at others I tried going with the flow.
Maybe it’s because the nature of this mandate is that all of us come and go at different times, individually, and stay different lengths and I’m still adjusting whereas two others were very well adjusted. Maybe it just wasn’t my scene. In the past I often felt like a loser because I didn’t go out as much as many people my age, and I think some of those feelings might still be hiding behind the curtains somewhere. Ideally by now I would have grown up and realized that’s ridiculous, but maybe I haven’t quite done so.
During my 5 months in Mauritius I think I went out more than I had ever before. I never felt like an outcast or black sheep. There was always someone for me to talk to, meet, whatever. As someone who is overly-sensitive and gets jealous easily, my time last night brings up worries that I may feel out of place with some of the other girls and that could take a real toll on my experience. Or maybe I’m just really struggling to adapt to life without Zak. Maybe it’s all of the above.
How long do I give myself before I decide I preferred Mauritius? How do I let myself be happy here and not let that evil comparison creep up on me?